1. Lack of a level of professional success I desire. This week I have heard nothing but positive things, people wishing me success and fame, questioning why I haven’t “made it” yet and that I’m bound. I get told I’m overqualified for certain positions, I’m on a set at a venue I’ve played to watch Natasha Bedingfield mess up her lines for the umpteenth time and I wonder what I’ve been managing to do wrong to be sitting on the sidelines. I should be grateful for any moment of work because this economy is so crappy right now I wonder where the next gig will come from.
2. My formers. My exes. Good lord. I talk with them, as they all seem to care and want to check in, but I don’t have to say two words for them to not go on some insane rant or vent about how I don’t care or how I don’t see their good, “blah blah fucking blah blah.” Okay. I get it. You feel guilty, like you screwed up, maybe. We have a history so thick of challenges and strife that they’re only answer is to get self-defensive.
3. I’ve been trained myself to have low expectations of men. I expect all of them to cheat on me. I expect all to be terrified of commitment because none of them have committed to me. I expect all of them to use another woman as an excuse for why they cannot be with me, only to have them try again and again to rekindle what was once had. I expect to not be good enough to be anything more than a fling in their eyes as we spend time together, then when I’m gone something they consider “oh so special.”
4. I maintain an open heart in spite of my pains and baggage. I fall in love far too easily. And as much as I hate emotional people, well, I’m one of them. I write songs for God’s sake.
5. I’m ready to self-destruct. I’m impulsive to end things that take time. I have a level of impatience with myself and with the time line of my life that is just unfair. I want everything yesterday. I’m certain to make up my mind about something, especially relationships with men, so I can end it and move on and have total control. Yes, I am a control freak.
6. I never take the easy road to anything. Whether a relationship, or career path, education, or dream, or even buying the cheapest food items in a ten block radius, I will take the complicated route. Anything given to me I don’t trust, I somehow have to earn everything myself and be ridiculously sure that I made it happen with my own hard work. Being told no is nothing more than another liter of fuel on my fire.